I don’t owe you an apology

I don’t owe you an apology

42 Days of Teresa – Day 34

Does it seem strange that I am finding new perspectives, priorities and seeking out other experiences?  I have found myself enjoying self awareness after years and years of healing. As toxic energy is released, physical healing has happened too.  I no longer suffer from the chronic asthma that used to plague me. I sleep deeply now.  I no longer worry about all the “what ifs”, “why this and thats” so, I can actually enjoy my life and appreciate who I have become.  Without all that extra worry, I have time to look at my life and know that through a lot of work, tons of support and a lot of ups and downs, I am excited about where I am in life and open to all kinds of possible futures.

Now, as I explore these new perspectives, I can also see that I no longer care about everyone else’s approval.  I can choose me.  I used to put myself practically last in all aspects of my life.  I would compromise myself into misery trying to make everyone else happy.  I can see why those that relied on me always willing to compromise are confused or even irritated.  However, I have decided that those that are willing to join me on my journey will be here and support me as I learn and grow.  Relationships change and that’s ok. I truly believe that we have come into each other’s lives with purpose and there is no reason why parting ways has to be a negative thing.  It can simply be.  There can be love and support when things come to an end.

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photo credit: Memingwas Photography

With that personal understanding I can accept that people with come and go into my life. I don’t have to apologize to those that have carried expectations of me based on our long history.  I can only explain that expectations put upon me that no longer serve my best self will no longer be entertained.  My journey has brought me a self awareness that I celebrate.  When I ignore it and fall back into putting myself last, I experience anxiety that reminds me that I have forgotten myself.  Fortunately, I am quick to recognize it when I do this and I can self correct.  I own that.  I don’t apologize for remembering myself.  I am continually grateful for those that are in my life and have supported me through all these changes.  I feel so blessed to have a core of people that don’t judge me or try to change me into something that makes sense to them.  I no longer want to try to measure up to arbitrary value systems that serve ego and separation.  I love recognizing others on their journey and supporting them as they move through what life is bringing them.  There is a special joy in knowing what I am able to do that can best support another and still ensure that I remember to love myself.

How can you tell if you have truly Forgiven?

How can you tell if you have truly Forgiven?

42 Days of Teresa – Day 33

When you wonder to yourself about where you may be on your road to forgiveness, how do you self assess?  For me, the litmus test I use is to take a quick look at something specifically related to your trauma.

Take a few breaths. Pay attention to your body and where you may be feeling any tension or stress.  Think about a specific person or memory related to the situation that you are trying to heal or forgive.  As you move through the memory or think about the relationship, keep breathing and feel where energy is moving through your body. Are you feeling a calm flow and connection to your body?  Are there areas that are becoming more uncomfortable? Where?  Is there an emotion attached to that discomfort?  Can you allow that emotion to move through you or are you shutting down?

When you are able to revisit a specific situation, memory or problematic relationship and your body doesn’t respond with anxiety or stress in a way your used to, you have done some or all of the healing around that idea.  You can move forward and change the internal dialogue you used to have around the trauma.

Now you can say, “I am actively healing my trauma.” That feels so much better than, “I am a victim of _____.”  The energy around the internal dialogue can be comforting and a celebration of your progress.

If you find that you are reacting strongly to the memory, you are still holding that pain physically in your body. Feel where that is. Feel the size, density and how that energy is effecting your physical body around that unhealed wound.  Breath through it, cry (if you need to), allow yourself an authentic reaction to it.  You are whole and you are here.  Observe yourself without judgment and find peace with the understanding that you are exactly where you are meant to be on your journey.

 

 

My Father Friend requested me!

My Father Friend requested me!

42 Days of Teresa – Day 32

Can you believe that?  My father, my abuser, casually sends a Facebook friend request to me. No message or context. Truly it happened months ago but I’m writing about it now.  I can say that it surprised me. Then, the strangest thing happened that surprised me even more.  I laughed. I laughed at the realization that I wasn’t upset, traumatized, scared or angry. I just see this friend request on my laptop screen, in my hotel during a vacation.  I had just been offline for about 10 days and was catching up on whatever I had missed in my online worlds. All I could think was, “Wow, he’s got some serious nerve.  Did he honestly think we’d just start being virtual buddies?”  It was absurd….and laughable.

I’ve had plenty of time to think about this request since then.  I confirmed for myself that I have truly healed regarding the abuse from my father.  I wasn’t re-traumatized and was able to function in all other aspects of my life in a healthy way even though I hadn’t responded to this friend request.  Even seeing pictures of the man that physically, emotionally and sexually abused me for so many years, didn’t cause me any anxiety or panic attacks. I was truly grateful for this.  Without having any actual contact with him since charging him for sexual assault at 16 years old, I sometimes wondered if I had really emotionally healed or found another way to block out my feelings where he was concerned.  I feel confident that I have moved forward. Do I need to tell him any of this?  I don’t believe so.  My ability to move on and accept that I have forgiven him doesn’t mean that I need to redraw any boundaries where he is concerned.  In a big way, he has fulfilled all that he was meant to do for me in my life.

I am grateful for this personal confirmation.  I am grateful to be able to share this here.  My journey of healing has been long and I have survived and become powerful in my own right.

Dancing in the Dark

Dancing in the Dark

42 Days of Teresa – Day 31

I was reading about the healing energy that can come from embracing the shadows that we all have.  It occurred to me that we spend a lot of time trying to constantly connect with the “light” energy.  I realized that I have hard time with all the notions of finding happiness by focussing on only the positive in everything.  There is positive in everything but there is also darkness. There is the balance.  I am comfortable with the dark side of things.  I can go there, look around and still see a beauty in this space.  It’s not scary or overwhelming for me.  In this, I can visit often and bring what I have felt, seen and learned over to the softer, light aspects of my life. Shadows and light can be intertwined without trying to smother each other.

I find a lot of peace in this.  I feel blessed to be able to help others find that balance.  This clarity has brought me a lot of joy in recent weeks.

 

Self Sabotage

Self Sabotage

42 Days of Teresa – day 30

I have realized that I have been hiding.  As I am getting better, I am going through my task list and feeling a sense of procrastination when it comes to investing energy into my dreams.  Fear of success?  I don’t know.  I feel so full of life when I am helping others find their own power. I am able to talk about dark subjects and make them something that people aren’t afraid of.  I’m proud of that. I need to spend more time there.

I need to hold myself to a higher accountability where my energy is concerned.  I have so much work to do and I have the support to get it done.  I’m just not doing it.  Why?  dammit.

Leap Year on Leap Year

Leap Year on Leap Year

42 Days of Teresa – day 29

We loved this little guy.  He was sweet gecko.  Whenever my son sees a picture of him, he’s sad and glad to have had the time we did with him.  Funny how little beings can have such a strong impact in our lives.

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Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

42 Days of Teresa – day 28

I’m finally starting to feel better.  I’m still a long way from having any energy that will get anything productive done.  As I look outside and wish I could get a cool breeze on my face, I’ll share one of my many favourite moments.  This was a beautiful moment taken by my husband after a long day of hiking.

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Herbal Tea, yes please.

Herbal Tea, yes please.

42 Days of Teresa – day 27

I have yet to eat anything. I just can’t. It takes too much energy.  My kids have been bringing me loose leaf herbal tea with fresh ginger, lemon, honey and oil of oregano in it. Something has to get me jump started.  Now for more sleep.  For my family’s sake, I may shower.