42 Days of Teresa – day 39
Why does anyone care what Kim Kardashian or other celebrities do? She takes a nearly naked selfie. She posts it publicly. Oh the inter webs light on fire! Did she do it for attention? There’s a debate around asking if this is empowering for women or setting us back. She’s crazy. She’s awesome. She’s doing whateverthefuckshewants and watches the sparks fly. Publicity stunt? I don’t get the media circus really. If she is in her right mind, understands how social media works, acts under her own will, then, why not simply support her right to do what she’s doing?
The idea of being able to love and support each other regardless of our personal journeys and values is what comes to mind for me. Time to take a look at ourselves and take the opportunity to self correct the shaming we may be doing to ourselves or others. We could be doing it out of habit or conditioning. It’s important to recognize the source of the conclusions we make and consider the possibility that those conclusions are not absolute.
There is a difference between agreeing with another person’s choice and simply allowing them to make their choices. I’m pretty sure Kim doesn’t care one bit if we approve of her post or not. I barely care myself. The only reason I bring it up is to suggest that we don’t need to be ugly or hateful towards another person on a road that we personally don’t want to travel on. It’s your life. It’s her life. Taking a quick moment to self check where the emotional response is coming from could save a lot of hurt on this planet.
42 Days of Teresa – Day 33
When you wonder to yourself about where you may be on your road to forgiveness, how do you self assess? For me, the litmus test I use is to take a quick look at something specifically related to your trauma.
Take a few breaths. Pay attention to your body and where you may be feeling any tension or stress. Think about a specific person or memory related to the situation that you are trying to heal or forgive. As you move through the memory or think about the relationship, keep breathing and feel where energy is moving through your body. Are you feeling a calm flow and connection to your body? Are there areas that are becoming more uncomfortable? Where? Is there an emotion attached to that discomfort? Can you allow that emotion to move through you or are you shutting down?
When you are able to revisit a specific situation, memory or problematic relationship and your body doesn’t respond with anxiety or stress in a way your used to, you have done some or all of the healing around that idea. You can move forward and change the internal dialogue you used to have around the trauma.
Now you can say, “I am actively healing my trauma.” That feels so much better than, “I am a victim of _____.” The energy around the internal dialogue can be comforting and a celebration of your progress.
If you find that you are reacting strongly to the memory, you are still holding that pain physically in your body. Feel where that is. Feel the size, density and how that energy is effecting your physical body around that unhealed wound. Breath through it, cry (if you need to), allow yourself an authentic reaction to it. You are whole and you are here. Observe yourself without judgment and find peace with the understanding that you are exactly where you are meant to be on your journey.
42 Days of Teresa – Day 32
Can you believe that? My father, my abuser, casually sends a Facebook friend request to me. No message or context. Truly it happened months ago but I’m writing about it now. I can say that it surprised me. Then, the strangest thing happened that surprised me even more. I laughed. I laughed at the realization that I wasn’t upset, traumatized, scared or angry. I just see this friend request on my laptop screen, in my hotel during a vacation. I had just been offline for about 10 days and was catching up on whatever I had missed in my online worlds. All I could think was, “Wow, he’s got some serious nerve. Did he honestly think we’d just start being virtual buddies?” It was absurd….and laughable.
I’ve had plenty of time to think about this request since then. I confirmed for myself that I have truly healed regarding the abuse from my father. I wasn’t re-traumatized and was able to function in all other aspects of my life in a healthy way even though I hadn’t responded to this friend request. Even seeing pictures of the man that physically, emotionally and sexually abused me for so many years, didn’t cause me any anxiety or panic attacks. I was truly grateful for this. Without having any actual contact with him since charging him for sexual assault at 16 years old, I sometimes wondered if I had really emotionally healed or found another way to block out my feelings where he was concerned. I feel confident that I have moved forward. Do I need to tell him any of this? I don’t believe so. My ability to move on and accept that I have forgiven him doesn’t mean that I need to redraw any boundaries where he is concerned. In a big way, he has fulfilled all that he was meant to do for me in my life.
I am grateful for this personal confirmation. I am grateful to be able to share this here. My journey of healing has been long and I have survived and become powerful in my own right.
42 Days of Teresa – Day 31
I was reading about the healing energy that can come from embracing the shadows that we all have. It occurred to me that we spend a lot of time trying to constantly connect with the “light” energy. I realized that I have hard time with all the notions of finding happiness by focussing on only the positive in everything. There is positive in everything but there is also darkness. There is the balance. I am comfortable with the dark side of things. I can go there, look around and still see a beauty in this space. It’s not scary or overwhelming for me. In this, I can visit often and bring what I have felt, seen and learned over to the softer, light aspects of my life. Shadows and light can be intertwined without trying to smother each other.
I find a lot of peace in this. I feel blessed to be able to help others find that balance. This clarity has brought me a lot of joy in recent weeks.
42 Days of Teresa – day 30
I have realized that I have been hiding. As I am getting better, I am going through my task list and feeling a sense of procrastination when it comes to investing energy into my dreams. Fear of success? I don’t know. I feel so full of life when I am helping others find their own power. I am able to talk about dark subjects and make them something that people aren’t afraid of. I’m proud of that. I need to spend more time there.
I need to hold myself to a higher accountability where my energy is concerned. I have so much work to do and I have the support to get it done. I’m just not doing it. Why? dammit.
42 Days of Teresa – day 29
We loved this little guy. He was sweet gecko. Whenever my son sees a picture of him, he’s sad and glad to have had the time we did with him. Funny how little beings can have such a strong impact in our lives.
42 Days of Teresa – day 28
I’m finally starting to feel better. I’m still a long way from having any energy that will get anything productive done. As I look outside and wish I could get a cool breeze on my face, I’ll share one of my many favourite moments. This was a beautiful moment taken by my husband after a long day of hiking.
42 Days of Teresa – day 27
I have yet to eat anything. I just can’t. It takes too much energy. My kids have been bringing me loose leaf herbal tea with fresh ginger, lemon, honey and oil of oregano in it. Something has to get me jump started. Now for more sleep. For my family’s sake, I may shower.