Slow down to Speed up. This seems to be a theme for me lately. I needed to find the calm so I can clarify what it is that I want to achieve. I also needed to slow down and appreciate the many wonderful things about my life not instead of always looking ahead to what I expect will be “better”. In taking this time for myself, I was able to realize that I have been spending my energy in too many directions and burning myself out. I have also been self sabotaging myself and in turn, creating in-action. It all comes down to one main F word. FEAR. damn it. I know it. I’m standing in my own way. I need to step back from a few roles that I have assumed, specifically in volunteering. As much as I enjoy the connection I have to my community and the groups that have become so integral to my family, I am dividing up my energy to the point that I burn out. I need to focus.
The vision I have for helping those on their journey of healing after sexual trauma is spreading across my heart and I know it what I need to do. I have discovered that I am able to discuss openly and in a raw way, many of the aspects of abuse. In this, I am able to help others find their voice, and they are able to connect to others, and so on and so on. I see a lot of healing for survivors and those that support those survivors.
In taking the time to quiet my environment, simplify things and focus on where my energy is happiest, I have found myself. I am grateful.
During this week to myself, I have had the time to really remind myself how to move forward when other people’s energy has messed with my Ego. I arrived here tired, feeling “stuck” and otherwise needing a recharge. My sister told me that I chose motherhood and I should simply accept this as they way it is. I had to disagree, especially since I have the option to change this feeling. I had the opportunity to rest, move some of this energy around and really focus on what makes me happy. The frustration I was feeling I think ties back into those that were able to make me feel frustrated and judged in the first place. Typically, I don’t find myself in a place of sorting through trains of thought around my self worth. I knew something was up with me.
After taking a couple of days to settle in and do well…nothing, I found time to focus on me. I started to breath, adjust to not having a schedule or interruptions or needing to please anyone else. I also found myself remembering some words that have always brought me great comfort and relief. Life Happens FOR me, not to me. The experiences that I have had made me who I am today. I continue to experience new things, new people, new perspectives, new self realizations and I take them all and am grateful. With this understanding, how can I be upset with those that have judged me and decided I wasn’t good enough? I found myself smiling. I am OK with this on so many levels. I could seek out these people now and thank them and let them know that their presence in my life has taught me many lessons that have made me a better person. Will I seek them out? Not likely. That’s not necessary either. Their personal life journey is theirs and I respect that we all have to be the best we can be in the moment that we are in. That’s all. Everything else can fall away.
So as this life is happening is happening for me, I have been realizing one main road block on my personal journey. The F-word. FEAR. Why does this fear of success keep me continually shutting myself down? I don’t doubt the possibilities or my capacity to do great things for many people. The best I can figure is that I have been hung up on the “How”. How will I do these great and wonderful things. How will I manage my family, my personal desires and my creating a way to help others delve into their feelings around healing and forgiveness? I know at my core I need to jump off this cliff of imagined control and allow these things to fall into place. I know I can discover a way to have all these things happen in a way that will bring me so much joy.
So…I continue standing on the edge of this cliff and peek over from time to time only to step back.
I’m taking a week to myself. I’ve created some space so I can explore the many energy shifts that I have been experiencing lately. It would seem that I am ready to make some major changes in my life but holding myself back out of fear. I’d like to take the work that I do here and expand it so that I can help others delve into aspects of healing and forgiveness on their journeys in this life. My kids are getting older and I find myself with time to consider that I can be doing things for me now. I can create balance and invest in my own joys as well as continue to be wife and mother.
I have enjoyed the uninterrupted silence. My internal dialogue is not rushed or trying to manage a never ending task list. At first this was unnerving. I felt like I was “supposed” to be doing something. I didn’t have a schedule or errands to run. I decided that I would get out into the warm sun and hike along the river. As I was heading there, the sun warmed my face. I chose to no wear my sunglasses despite how bright the day was. Feeling the sun on my entire face felt so good. I also found myself wandering through the town on the way to the trail head but had obviously, as some point, choose to let go of my destination. I simply wandered. It got warm enough that I removed my coat and was in a tank top walking around in this lovely sunshine and listening to the various sounds around me.
The sucking noise as my boots took me down the muddy road. I was well aware that this deep mud was not typical for this time of year and I thought the sound and feel of it very amusing. The magpies were happily chatting while eating in a tree that I went under. They just watched me as I went by. There was some water moving through a sewer drain that made a very rhythmic and musical noise as it was hitting whatever was in it’s way in the pipe. I actually thought someone was playing an instrument until I realized where the sounds were coming from.
I continued to meander through the streets and side trails and found myself circling back to the town centre. I found my favourite store where I can find gems, jewelery and various soothing and healing items. I was just intending to browse but found a lovely pendant made of Australian Jasper, also known as Mookaite. It’s absolutely beautiful with deep red and yellow colours. I’m so glad I have it. It feels good as it sits below my throat.
My walk was slow and quiet. I thought I should hurry up and that way I could make of a workout out of it. I am just not used to doing something for the simple pleasure of doing it. I usually have a task or destination in mind to “accomplish” something. I had to consciously relax and realize that I was accomplishing something. Something for me, something quiet, something just for me.
My thoughts are a winding down a twisted path between the understanding of my value/self-worth and the disappointment I experience when I feel judged and “not good enough”. I’m usually good at letting other people’s choices and beliefs remain separate from me but I tripped myself up yesterday and am still processing….
What do you do when you find yourself needing to get your perspective back to being healthy and loving towards yourself?
Almost a week ago I shared a moment of clarity while feeling fully overwhelmed with anxiety. I was able to articulate what the experience of having to function while anxiety washed through my body.
In that space I was able to connect with many people who thanked me for sharing, asked questions about why I would do that or simply offered support and friendship. I guess I felt that it was something I could do, so I did. I could share that internal process publicly and see what the result would be. Maybe it was too personal. I don’t know. In the aftermath, I don’t think so. It was something that maybe isn’t done enough. Just to say I’m having a bad day, making up bullshit excuses like, I’m tired to mask the anxiety only to make others feel better. It occurred to me that I lie about how I’m feeling to help others not to feel bad or awkward. I just threw it out there and it seems to me that there was a strange sigh of relief that happened within me. I didn’t have to hide or put on a fake smile. I could just be having a bad day….filled with anxiety and what may have been a toxic energy release. I could let it surface and then….let it go.
I was messaged personally through Facebook, text message and twitter with messages of support and gratitude. Those acts alone spoke volumes to me. I could allow this process to happen and not worry about how it made others feel. The fact is, many people were grateful I could express something that they were struggling with. I personally found that this anxiety was able to leave me in less than a couple of days. I’m not saying this wouldn’t have happened anyway, but it was nice to know that I had a tribe with me. People who completely understood, people who didn’t but wanted to know more so they could help, people who wished me well and sent me uplifting messages to express concern or care, were all in my corner. That helped me feel less crazy. I could just let it flow.
All I can say is THANK YOU!! <3 Your willingness to read, share, message me, message myself or others who may feel similarly, or simply talk about depression and anxiety with others helps more than you know. It’s an uncomfortable subject because it’s not easy to describe and not easy to understand, especially in this rushed society where we are all supposed to be happy, all the fucking time. I’m tired of apologizing when I’m really in need of help and support. I’m tired of feeling overwhelmed, scared and generally crazy but find myself worrying about how others would feel if they really knew how I felt. I have learned that it is ok to simply be true to myself. People are willing to help and support. They are willing to patient and kind while I work through my shit. I appreciate that and feel that this understanding helped me move through my anxiety in a much more fluid way.
I’m literally having anxiety attacks as I process this integration of what I’ve been doing and what I want to be doing. I find myself running away, shutting down and basically being a big chicken. I think I have a lot of work to do. To share, to heal, to help others heal.
I’m running in a circle of excitement, clarity and moment that wanes to sadness and frustration with myself for not being able to take the action necessary to fulfill my vision.
Thank you to my sister and husband for pushing me. They hold me accountable. Thank you to those that have supported me and continue to support me as I embrace sharing some of these hard topics around sexual childhood abuse and sexual trauma. The discussions that have happened here have inspired me to continue opening the door for more discussions. I need to expand this to a place where talking is just the beginning.
I’m so far out of my comfort zone with this and I am getting upset with myself for not being able to simply embrace this exciting idea. I know I can do it but fear of the unknown combined with fear of success is overwhelming me. I can’t figure out if I’m running through another cycle of depression or I’m just panicking.
Just sharing this. I need an outlet for my process. I’ll get there.