42 Days of Teresa

Day 1

Happy birthday to me!  I’m 42 and feeling like this year has opened up for me with a bunch of fantastic opportunities to grow and explore who I am as a person on this planet. The past several months have been transformational for me and it took these months to process what that amounted to on my journey.  More than anything, I’m feeling like I need to keep things simple and give myself permission to truly shine.

My dreams around how to help others who have survived childhood sexual abuse have expanded and I need to connect with as many of you as possible.  You are all amazing and I am here to tell you that you are not alone and have all kinds of support.  My personal journey has brought me to a place of healing that no longer re-traumatizes me when I share my story.  I can interact with those that have hurt me and not feel like my stomach is in a knot and I have to shrink back from the toxic energy.  I can function from a place of compassion and empathy towards those that have hurt me and can live without the apologies.  I can share my memories, my confusion, my shame and pleasure and own them all without feeling that I owe anyone an explanation of why I am what I am.

I have felt the release of old paradigms and felt the weight of the social expectations disappear.  Even though my my relationships have evolved, I love who I have become because of every one of them.  I have also been able to catch myself in the moment and recognize when I am being authentic and when I’m behaving in a way that is for others before myself.  I have grown exhausted from considering others to the point that I forget to consider myself at all.  I’m no longer interested in the “I’m not judging you but…..” conversations. Fuck it.  There is a funny little jester that starts to dance in me when I hear these sort of words now.  I smile back at my little jester and we both agree that the conversation is now a  one way street. I can’t be bothered to clarify, defend or even contribute.  The other person is on their own journey as am I. I can love and respect them without trying to convince them of anything.  Simple. I move forward. No ill will. I’m just not willing to get emotionally entangled in judgment and societal expectations.  I make my choices.  They won’t all be the best ones but they’ll be mine. I learn from all of them and regret nothing.

I’m adopting a “no filter” approach to my writing. What if my internal dialogue could be transposed into writing?  Let’s see how close I get.