Evolution of Relationships

42 Days of Teresa – day 16

Everyone knows what that “ugly cry” is.  Even if you haven’t had one yourself, you have probably seen one at some point in your life.  Several months ago, after a considerable amount of gin and dancing, I had a complete and total melt down that took place that started me down a very interesting path of self discovery.  In the moment, nearly all ability to preserve your composure is lost and it seems that any efforts made to salvage any only make things worse.  The energy shifts that happen are huge and all kinds of information is dropping in during the temporary rift in the foundation of everything you “know”.

As I stood there in the midst of realizing that I had no shot whatsoever of preserving my dignity as my body dumped whateverthehellitwas out of my body, I just waited it out.  I was thoroughly exhausted. The circumstances that triggered this entire episode felt more like an ambush since I was in no condition to have an introspective discussion about how my behaviour is perceived.  I just listened, mostly, and just allowed my body to process what was happening.  Then I went to bed, mostly in shock but also perfectly aware that something big just happened. I felt myself being broken open and part of me that no longer served me falling away.  There was a softness  and gratitude blended into this though.  I was grateful even though I was speechless.

Now I reflect on the role I played in my meltdown night. I recognize that I allowed myself to be manipulated so that others could be happy.  I was crushed because, it was in the moment, there was a part of me that was mad  for hiding aspects of myself. I just didn’t want to deal with the judgement.  As it turns out, I was right that the judgment was coming, what I didn’t realize was that ultimately, I just don’t give a shit anymore.  I’m done.

I have found myself abundantly aware of the energy being put into my relationships lately.  The ones that are authentic, the ones that run both ways, the ones that are open and without judgement, the ones that are toxic and draining, the ones that have potential to grow if only nurtured a little more.  I have been able to expand in the most important relationships lately.  It’s magical.  I love that mutual support and pleasure in watching another person evolve right before my eyes.  I hold them and feel full of peace and joy.  I feel supported and encouraged to be exactly who I am.  Relationships evolve, even the one with myself.