First times

**content may be disturbing. It’s graphic. Don’t read unless you’re in a strong place emotionally**

When my dad first starting molesting me at 10 years old, he explained to me that he was going to show me what boys wanted so that I wouldn’t be curious about boys. He said that way I wouldn’t get into trouble with them and I could work on school without being interested in boys.

When he first started asking me to “put his thing” (seriously, that’s what he called it) in my mouth, he did not think it was right that I would see him. Strangely, he didn’t think I was too young to give blow jobs. He blind folded me and tied my hands behind my back. So nice of him to keep me from seeing inappropriate things.

The very first time this happened I was beside my father on his bed and he was laying on his back. I was already blindfolded. He guided me to his crotch and I felt my body go numb. I realized, years later, that I did this shut down of sorts right from the beginning. At this point I was scared but unwilling to respond to it as I didn’t want to get in trouble. Being my first time, I had no idea what to expect and because I couldn’t see I could only get through this by figuring out what was happening in my mouth. I was trying not to gag but my dad was holding my head so I couldn’t pull away. He was talking, I think trying to give me instructions, but I was just doing what I could with what little movement I could make. It was so confusing and dark.

Then, pure panic, my mouth was filling with a thick, hot liquid and my dad was forcing my head down even further. I was only ten, there wasn’t much further it could go. I was horrified and unable to see or move. I didn’t know what was happening and I didn’t know what to do. When I was allowed to move, I was still blindfolded, I swallowed the liquid. I didn’t even know what it was. I didn’t know anything in that moment. My dad looked at me and told me to go spit it out in the bathroom. When I told him that it was already gone, he burst out laughing at me. I was embarrassed and he was just laughing or grinning. He said from now on, go down the hall to the bathroom and spit it out in the sink. I went to the bathroom and rinsed my mouth and brushed my teeth. I felt so stupid.

As time went on, I got this hold it in my mouth, get down the hall to bathroom and spit routine down efficiently enough. If I was not specifically told to return to his room, I didn’t. I would go to another part of the house and make myself busy with something.