My Bumpy Road

Ok, I have had a bunch of things swirling around in my head lately. Some good, some great and some down right terrible. Being on three trains at once is exhausting. So, I did what only a reasonable person would do. Nothing.

I have decided that I have a bunch of things to get out of me for a variety of reasons. The main reason being that I no longer feel that I have to tip toe around what people may or may not think of me. I’m not generally insecure, but, I thought my blog should have a particular purpose and therefore a particular way of communicating my thoughts around that purpose. When push comes to shove, I have never been a linear thinker. It’s become a mental restraint trying to stick to one train of thought here. So, no more!

I have been happily engaged in my day to day life of wife, mother and general home schooling superstar. I am able to stay present and appreciate the moment a lot of the time. I certainly have my off days but I recognize them, even as things go off the rails and try again. Feeling blessed and appreciating my family and life in general is a wonderful thing to be conscious of.

In this place of appreciation, I have also felt a major energy shift in me as I understanding how connected everything is to each other. It’s been an interesting realization of just how many belief systems and rules are put upon us from a very young age. They are limiting in the way that they are full of judgement either from other people or of ourselves. I’m in the process of stripping away the hardwiring that has been keeping me from expanding beyond what I thought I “should” be doing. The guilt that comes with trying to be good enough of a mother is bad enough. I have been afraid to succeed in my own right because it would take away from my ability to be there for my kids and husband. Now I can step back and ask myself where those judgments came from and, if they are not my own, why do I care? I’m letting go. I am loving this process all the way around. It’s very liberating. It is working for me spiritually as well as how it works in my day to day life. I can do more things that make me happy and not worry about other people’s idea of what should make me happy.

Now for the heavy stuff. It seems to be that this process of letting go and allowing the universe to flow, I have also been feeling a shift in my healing process related to my sexual abuse. Memories are coming more clear, details that used to really shake me up are becoming more frequent and in general, I feel there’s a tsunami of emotional shit about to wash over me. On the bright side, I feel more and more compelled to get these thoughts and memories out of me, so I must be ready for this process. Recently I read my My Story page again. When I wrote my story it was a huge process just to articulate what had happened to me and when. However, it’s been some time now and I feel like I chickened out. It’s not true, but I see a whole pile of things that were glazed over. I don’t think I was ready to deal with any super particulars. It took a lot out of me getting my story published. I think I am ready to put myself through it again to bring things to the next level. It’s not an up the ante mentality but more of a willingness to let more stuff go. I don’t need to hold onto those things that made me feel so awful and humiliated me when I was younger. I will be fair when I post on this subject and ensure that there is a warning when things get graphic or disturbing.

That being said, expect that my posts will not be linear or thematic. My posts will be more in tune with how I feel in the moment. Hopefully, this will allow me to post more often without over thinking intention as a priority. I think this will be interesting. Well, at least for me. I get to shake myself up and see what falls out. See you soon.