No Fear, Just Purpose

** Warning ** Some of this content is graphic. It may have trigger issues for some. Please read this story if you are in a good place emotionally.

I have had a lot to think about lately.  My recent posts have sparked something huge.  I realize that there is something that NO ONE is talking about, I’m sure, millions have experienced and haven’t told a soul.  The comments from readers have inspired me to expand into areas I never though I would.  I thank you all for that.  I thank my sister for telling me simply, “write without fear”.  Those words were very freeing.  I feel like I have found a specific purpose through this blog.  I have  talked about my sexual abuse, what I went through to move past it, and who I have become since those terrible years.  I will continue to do that as it seems to be moving awareness and understanding of what it’s like to be trapped in a situation loaded with fear and intimidation, be used for sexual acts and then treated like garbage.  As a kid, these things became normal and I was stuck in a place (my home) that seemed impossible to get out of.

The subject of orgasm during sexual assaults is hugely complex.  In a time of tremendous betrayal, pain and abuse, it can seem that your own body has betrayed you by having an orgasm.  It’s bad enough society will ask questions of the victim to ensure she didn’t do anything to “deserve” it, but now our own bodies have found an element of pleasure somewhere in all this horror.  In feeling that pleasure and simultaneously know that what’s happening to you is not consensual, it adds to the trauma.   It’s like having two experiences at once and both of them are out of your control.

Those wonderful people that have read my blog, shared their stories and helped me better understand what happened to me, have thanked me for what I’m writing here.  Thank you too.  More than you know, in sharing your stories, some for the first time in any manner, has expanded my need to do more for those that are suffering in silence.  In creating a place that has made readers feel safe and understood enough to share their experiences, I know that I am not alone. Holding memories of traumatic experiences inside because at the end of it all, in having an orgasm, in having that pleasure, the blame seemed to shift a bit.  If people could be educated enough to know that orgasm is not an indication of consent, but simply a biological reaction to physical stimulus, it  would be easier to talk about these situations.

Talking more on this subject will help lift that veil of embarrassment and allow ourselves to move forward knowing that we did nothing wrong.  I’m still processing all the feelings and thoughts that have been running through my mind since I started discussing this subject of orgasm during sexual abuse.  It’s a huge subject with a lot of emotions that run in a lot of directions.  Establishing healthy, sexual relationships after abuse is difficult when there is a guilt or shame around experiences that were horrible, and sometimes pleasurable, at the same time.  How to relate to your own body if you feel that it betrayed you in those moments of trauma.  How to get sexual pleasure within a healthy relationship that doesn’t need a huge amount of adrenaline to reach climax.  How to talk to your current partner about the fear and pleasure that got all mixed up in a non consensual situation.  How to deal with the possible emotional or physical disorders that invariably show up after trauma.  I will, with purpose, try to open the door to these sorts of topics.

These many healing processes that can happen are hugely important.  I am not alone.  The statistics on the frequency of rapes, sexual assaults and sexual abuse are staggering.  How many millions of victims have had to grapple with the fact that they were violated, taken advantage of AND may have enjoyed some part of it, however not intentional?  How many?