Live Simple. Just BE.

42 days of Teresa- day 3.  <3

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Random memory

Random memory

42 Days of Teresa- day 2

I remember one time I was walking home from school towards my house. I would have been in grade three or four.  As I was walking down the hill, I heard a vehicle coming and so I ensured that I was as far to the right as possible.  I lived in the country so it was a gravel shoulder just off the road itself.  I did hear the vehicle honk it’s horn so I stepped even more to the right just in case I wasn’t over far enough.  The pick up truck passed me and continued down the hill.

When I got home, I saw the same pick up truck in my driveway.  As it turns out, my dad was getting a ride home from a friend and the two of them were in the house when I got in.  My father starts telling me how glad he was that I didn’t look back at the truck when the horn honked.  He explained that only sluts look up when horns honk.  I was glad that it turned out that I passed this test even though I actually had no idea what a slut was at the time. (I’m not sure how many 8 year olds do. ) All I really knew was that I avoided getting in trouble simply by assuming I was walking too close to the road.

 

 

42 Days of Teresa

42 Days of Teresa

Day 1

Happy birthday to me!  I’m 42 and feeling like this year has opened up for me with a bunch of fantastic opportunities to grow and explore who I am as a person on this planet. The past several months have been transformational for me and it took these months to process what that amounted to on my journey.  More than anything, I’m feeling like I need to keep things simple and give myself permission to truly shine.

My dreams around how to help others who have survived childhood sexual abuse have expanded and I need to connect with as many of you as possible.  You are all amazing and I am here to tell you that you are not alone and have all kinds of support.  My personal journey has brought me to a place of healing that no longer re-traumatizes me when I share my story.  I can interact with those that have hurt me and not feel like my stomach is in a knot and I have to shrink back from the toxic energy.  I can function from a place of compassion and empathy towards those that have hurt me and can live without the apologies.  I can share my memories, my confusion, my shame and pleasure and own them all without feeling that I owe anyone an explanation of why I am what I am.

I have felt the release of old paradigms and felt the weight of the social expectations disappear.  Even though my my relationships have evolved, I love who I have become because of every one of them.  I have also been able to catch myself in the moment and recognize when I am being authentic and when I’m behaving in a way that is for others before myself.  I have grown exhausted from considering others to the point that I forget to consider myself at all.  I’m no longer interested in the “I’m not judging you but…..” conversations. Fuck it.  There is a funny little jester that starts to dance in me when I hear these sort of words now.  I smile back at my little jester and we both agree that the conversation is now a  one way street. I can’t be bothered to clarify, defend or even contribute.  The other person is on their own journey as am I. I can love and respect them without trying to convince them of anything.  Simple. I move forward. No ill will. I’m just not willing to get emotionally entangled in judgment and societal expectations.  I make my choices.  They won’t all be the best ones but they’ll be mine. I learn from all of them and regret nothing.

I’m adopting a “no filter” approach to my writing. What if my internal dialogue could be transposed into writing?  Let’s see how close I get.

 

Personal Retreat- musings #3

Personal Retreat- musings #3

Slow down to Speed up.  This seems to be a theme for me lately.  I needed to find the calm so I can clarify what it is that I want to achieve.  I also needed to slow down and appreciate the many wonderful things about my life not instead of always looking ahead to what I expect will be “better”.  In taking this time for myself, I was able to realize that I have been spending my energy in too many directions and burning myself out. I have also been self sabotaging myself and in turn, creating in-action.  It all comes down to one main F word. FEAR.  damn it.  I know it. I’m standing in my own way.  I need to step back from a few roles that I have assumed, specifically in volunteering.  As much as I enjoy the connection I have to my community and the groups that have become so integral to my family, I am dividing up my energy to the point that I burn out.  I need to focus.

The vision I have for helping those on their journey of healing after sexual trauma is spreading across my heart and I know it what I need to do.  I have discovered that I am able to discuss openly and in a raw way, many of the aspects of abuse.  In this, I am able to help others find their voice, and they are able to connect to others, and so on and so on.  I see a lot of healing for survivors and those that support those survivors.

In taking the time to quiet my environment, simplify things and focus on where my energy is happiest, I have found myself.  I am grateful.

Personal Retreat- musings #2

Personal Retreat- musings #2

During this week to myself, I have had the time to really remind myself how to move forward when other people’s energy has messed with my Ego.  I arrived here tired, feeling “stuck” and otherwise needing a recharge.  My sister told me that I chose motherhood and I should simply accept this as they way it is.  I had to disagree, especially since I have the option to change this feeling. I had the opportunity to rest, move some of this energy around and really focus on what makes me happy. The frustration I was feeling I think ties back into those that were able to make me feel frustrated and judged in the first place. Typically, I don’t find myself  in a place of sorting through trains of thought around my self worth.  I knew something was up with me.

After taking a couple of days to settle in and do well…nothing, I found time to focus on me.  I started to breath, adjust to not having a schedule or interruptions or needing to please anyone else.  I also found myself remembering some words that have always brought me great comfort and relief.  Life Happens FOR me, not to me.  The experiences that I have had made me who I am today.  I continue to experience new things, new people, new perspectives, new self realizations and I take them all and am grateful.  With this understanding, how can I be upset with those that have judged me and decided I wasn’t good enough?  I found myself smiling. I am OK with this on so many levels.  I could seek out these people now and thank them and let them know that their presence in my life has taught me many lessons that have made me a better person.  Will I seek them out?  Not likely.  That’s not necessary either.  Their personal life journey is theirs and I respect that we all have to be the best we can be in the moment that we are in.  That’s all.  Everything else can fall away.

So as this life is happening is happening for me, I have been realizing one main road block on my personal journey.  The F-word.  FEAR.  Why does this fear of success keep me continually shutting myself down? I don’t doubt the possibilities or my capacity to do great things for many people.  The best I can figure is that I have been hung up on the “How”. How will I do these great and wonderful things. How will I manage my family, my personal desires and my creating a way to help others delve into their feelings around healing and forgiveness? I know at my core I need to jump off this cliff of imagined control and allow these things to fall into place.  I know I can discover a way to have all these things happen in a way that will bring me so much joy.

So…I continue standing on the edge of this cliff and peek over from time to time only to step back.

 

Yoho National Park, Canada

Personal Retreat- musings #1

Personal Retreat- musings #1

I’m taking a week to myself.  I’ve created some space so I can explore the many energy shifts that I have been experiencing lately.  It would seem that I am ready to make some major changes in my life but holding myself back out of fear.  I’d like to take the work that I do here and expand it so that I can help others delve into aspects of healing and forgiveness on their journeys in this life.  My kids are getting older and I find myself with time to consider that I can be doing things for me now.  I can create balance and invest in my own joys as well as continue to be wife and mother.

I have enjoyed the uninterrupted silence.  My internal dialogue is not rushed or trying to manage a never ending task list.  At first this was unnerving.  I felt like I was “supposed” to be doing something.  I didn’t have a schedule or errands to run.  I decided that I would get out into the warm sun and hike along the river.  As I was heading there, the sun warmed my face.  I chose to no wear my sunglasses despite how bright the day was.  Feeling the sun on my entire face felt so good.  I also found myself wandering through the town on the way to the trail head but had obviously, as some point, choose to let go of my destination.  I simply wandered.  It got warm enough that I removed my coat and was in a tank top walking around in this lovely sunshine and listening to the various sounds around me.

The sucking noise as my boots took me down the muddy road.  I was well aware that this deep mud was not typical for this time of year and I thought the sound and feel of it very amusing.  The magpies were happily chatting while eating in a tree that I went under.  They just watched me as I went by.  There was some water moving through a sewer drain that made a very rhythmic and musical noise as it was hitting whatever was in it’s way in the pipe.  I actually thought someone was playing an instrument until I realized where the sounds were coming from.

I continued to meander through the streets and side trails and found myself circling back to the town centre.  I found my favourite store where I can find gems, jewelery and various soothing and healing items.  I was just intending to browse but found a lovely pendant made of Australian Jasper, also known as Mookaite. It’s absolutely beautiful with deep red and yellow colours.  I’m so glad I have it.  It feels good as it sits below my throat.

My walk was slow and quiet.  I thought I should hurry up and that way I could make of a workout out of it.  I am just not used to doing something for the simple pleasure of doing it.  I usually have a task or destination in mind to “accomplish” something.  I had to consciously relax and realize that I was accomplishing something. Something for me, something quiet, something just for me. image

Moment of clarity. Self Love and Resilience

Moment of clarity. Self Love and Resilience
Healing comes with remembering self love. Without the relationships that bring us back to this simplicity, we would never know the our full capacity for resilience. Through these experiences we journey though an evolution of our own self awareness to a point where we can recognize where we truly belong. In the end, those that don’t serve our greatest good are those that we end up being the most grateful for. I would venture to say that even those that were never able to recognize the best aspects of you would have still been positively effected by you. To that end, everyone deserves to experience the best in others. With enough time and care, we all can realize that there is no separation from each other. 

Self Love and Patience with myself while I processed being Judged

Self Love and Patience with myself while I processed being Judged

My thoughts are a winding down a twisted path between the understanding of my value/self-worth and the disappointment I experience when I feel judged and “not good enough”. I’m usually good at letting other people’s choices and beliefs remain separate from me but I tripped myself up yesterday and am still processing….

What do you do when you find yourself needing to get your perspective back to being healthy and loving towards yourself?