Personal Retreat- musings #2

During this week to myself, I have had the time to really remind myself how to move forward when other people’s energy has messed with my Ego.  I arrived here tired, feeling “stuck” and otherwise needing a recharge.  My sister told me that I chose motherhood and I should simply accept this as they way it is.  I had to disagree, especially since I have the option to change this feeling. I had the opportunity to rest, move some of this energy around and really focus on what makes me happy. The frustration I was feeling I think ties back into those that were able to make me feel frustrated and judged in the first place. Typically, I don’t find myself  in a place of sorting through trains of thought around my self worth.  I knew something was up with me.

After taking a couple of days to settle in and do well…nothing, I found time to focus on me.  I started to breath, adjust to not having a schedule or interruptions or needing to please anyone else.  I also found myself remembering some words that have always brought me great comfort and relief.  Life Happens FOR me, not to me.  The experiences that I have had made me who I am today.  I continue to experience new things, new people, new perspectives, new self realizations and I take them all and am grateful.  With this understanding, how can I be upset with those that have judged me and decided I wasn’t good enough?  I found myself smiling. I am OK with this on so many levels.  I could seek out these people now and thank them and let them know that their presence in my life has taught me many lessons that have made me a better person.  Will I seek them out?  Not likely.  That’s not necessary either.  Their personal life journey is theirs and I respect that we all have to be the best we can be in the moment that we are in.  That’s all.  Everything else can fall away.

So as this life is happening is happening for me, I have been realizing one main road block on my personal journey.  The F-word.  FEAR.  Why does this fear of success keep me continually shutting myself down? I don’t doubt the possibilities or my capacity to do great things for many people.  The best I can figure is that I have been hung up on the “How”. How will I do these great and wonderful things. How will I manage my family, my personal desires and my creating a way to help others delve into their feelings around healing and forgiveness? I know at my core I need to jump off this cliff of imagined control and allow these things to fall into place.  I know I can discover a way to have all these things happen in a way that will bring me so much joy.

So…I continue standing on the edge of this cliff and peek over from time to time only to step back.

 

Yoho National Park, Canada