Pushing Through

I spent a lovely evening last night with a good friend of mine. Our conversations are always moving and the variety of topics are many and interesting. We speak openly and honestly and without judgement. It’s always a great exchange of ideas and perspective. In this space of openness, the energy is positive but can also be a little raw. You can only do this with good friends as there are no consequences for showing who you really are.

Reflecting on some of my recent behavior, I was able to articulate  to my friend some of the internal dialogue that runs through my head as I cope with being a full time mom and having depression. In this exchange of words, I was also able to make some connections to many trains of thought that I didn’t know how to manage before. I have really been scattered lately and feel like I’m unable to hold a thought in my head. I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed and I know it’s related to my depression. A couple weeks ago I had pretty much an entire day of panic attack(s). The only thing that kept me from breaking down was distracting myself with a huge list of things to do. That’s certainly not hard to find, but the desperation about it was not calming me down. The difficult thing is that I know I’ve had enough sleep, I eat well, I take my antidepressants everyday and there are no circumstances lately that would increase my stress. So, why am I so stressed? I recognize in myself the irrational feelings and know that they need to be managed as they’re not from a healthy place.

I used to choose to go to bed and simply hide from the world when my depression got the better of me. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was my coping mechanism. I slept. Now, I’m a full time mom of two boys and don’t have this option.  I can’t just opt out and tell the kids that mommy’s going to go sleep this afternoon. Instead, I put on my happy face as I don’t want them to worry or feel like I’m upset with them. I have to push through my anxiety and ensure things come together the way I intended. I have to check in with myself many times a day and calm myself down and ensure myself that things are fine and normal and nothing short of wonderful. I have to shove that anxiety out of the way so I can participate in my own life. My life is my family, good friends and finding a sense of direction or purpose as I move through my day-to-day.

I haven’t been blogging on topics that require a lot of personal clarification because I simply couldn’t put the various ideas together in a cohesive way. In talking with my friend last night, I realized that the many ideas are really linked together and part of my need to push through my anxiety. I have found a great women’s group that will evolve into something dynamic and purposeful. I am thrilled to be part of the energy that will work towards the support and success of other women who want to action their passion. I have been feeling “tired” a lot and didn’t put it together that it was my depression talking and not my body. I have to overcome this and get my body back in charge. I worked out for the first time in a while the other day and it felt wonderful. I will be moving towards my goal of fundraising and raising awareness of childhood sexual abuse. I think the Little Warriors organization will be a good fit for this personal goal as it is theirs also. I have a solid proposal to put together related to a home schooling course that I would like to facilitate through the YMCA this fall.

I don’t have time to be consumed by anxiety. I appreciate so much that I can share my struggles with my husband, sister and close friends and know that I am supported and loved. I am truly blessed to have these outlets in my life so I don’t have to feel alienated. I have great people in my life that help me find a healthy perspective again. I can feel balanced again because I feel safe enough to share this with these special people. With that balance, I realize that I am also able to share this with you and feel like I am moving forward in my journey with a shared sense of love and support.