Recovery after writing about sexual abuse

So, it’s been almost three weeks since my last post. Truly, it was a tough one. It’s a strange thing to be able to put specific experiences related to my sexual abuse experiences out there. I’m glad I do though. I feel it’s something I need to do for others and myself. I’m noticing that some other issues are starting to surface now that I dug a little deeper. I’m not upset or anything but more making the observation of these memories and feelings that are surfacing. I am also putting some memories and feeling together. I really have separated the emotional side of things from the physical for so long. I thought I’d done more integration than this. As I’m realizing what work I still have to do, I also realize that I have to do this in a healthy way. So, my fist instinct is to chicken out. Come to my blog, look around and back away slowly.

I do this more often that I’d like to admit. As article ideas come to mind, they fly around in my mind but don’t turn into anything really well focused. Figuring out how to articulate some of the related issues to the reality of orgasm in sexual abuse experiences, is my next challenge. I’m not sure what to do next so, I have done nothing. I am realizing how much of these experiences have stayed with me into adulthood. The physical memories are still there even if I didn’t put any conscious thought into my body’s reaction to my abuse as a kid. The one main thing I’ve realized about my adult life is that there is some anxiety around having orgasms. I’m certainly not ashamed or humiliated but I’m holding back emotionally. There’s a moment of detachment that occurs that I never thought about before. Waterfowl Lakes, Banff National Park, Alberta

As I move forward, I have to find ways to let the past go to a point that it’s not interrupting my present. I feel that I am in a healthy emotional place now and don’t need to hang onto these residual memories. So, just do it, right? 1-2-3- gah! …. got a little more work to do on this one.